He
who said “There's no such thing as bad luck” is a moron who has
never played any Mario Party games.
He has also never been to a casino or played a luck game. The franchise is an infamous friendship destroyer, and for good reason. Have you ever played a Mario Party game with friends? They all get together to try and take down the player who owns the game. And don't get me started on the mini-games that require luck!
He has also never been to a casino or played a luck game. The franchise is an infamous friendship destroyer, and for good reason. Have you ever played a Mario Party game with friends? They all get together to try and take down the player who owns the game. And don't get me started on the mini-games that require luck!
Wait,
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start by the beginning. In the
Nintendo 64 era came out a little game known as Mario Party. It was
an extremely creative concept mixing board game, mini-games, and the
Mario series. It was a lot of fun to play. There was only one
problem: Among the mini-games created, there was a couple that
required the player to spin around the joystick on the N64
controller. This led to hundreds of players getting sore thumbs and
even sore palms from spinning the joystick. After this disastrous
entrance for the franchise, Nintendo tried to correct this by putting
no joystick-spinning games in the subsequent Mario Party games. They
couldn't predict, however, the “un-fairplay-ness” of gamers all
around the world, who would throw temper tantrums each time things
don't go right in a Mario Party game. Why?
Because
board games and video games are two very different things. You can practice all you want on video games, but it's a little more difficult to practice your strategies in an actual board game if you cannot play it without someone else. When
playing a board game against friends, if you know their usual
strategies you can predict what they'll do, but most of the time
they'll try to surprise you nonetheless. Video games can be played in single player mode, which means the game's owner will always have a head start due to knowing what the game contains, the boards' layouts, how to play each mini-game and what they have in stock for the player, etc. In Mario Party, there's four-player
matches, but by the end there's only one thing everyone will do:
Dethrone whoever is in first place at the moment, usually the game's owner, and to Hell if they
have to team up against him/her for that! It makes sense, as the game's owner has more
experience and therefore represents the menace to take down. After
that, the dethroned one can complain all he/she wants, he/she was
just an obstacle after all! Mario Party breaks friendships because,
in many cases, one is gonna become the target of everyone else.
Lived
it.
But
I'm not here to enact revenge on a series that I don't like too much.
…
…
…
…
...Okay,
a little.
But!
Like all games here, I must review it, see what's good about the
game, what's bad, and come to a conclusion that disregards the
“friendship-killing” aspect of the franchise.
This
is Mario Party 2, and I hope I'm not regretting this already.
 |
| C ome on, you can solve this on any SSBB battlefield! |
Alright,
so, every game in the series has a (relatively contrived) reason why
the characters are battling on board games. What is it this time
around? Well, a new park has opened in the Mushroom Kingdom. Clearly,
it must be named Mario Land!
...God
I wish.
But
Mario is surrounded by five of his “friends”: Luigi, Yoshi,
Peach, Wario and Donkey Kong. They all want the park to be named
after them! Even Peach jumps in and says her name should be on top.
Which, by the way, makes sense to me, as she was the one with the
resources and the budget to build a giant park like this.
However,
Bowser also has set his eyes on ????? Land and is hoping to make it
Bowser Land! He invades the park! A Toad joins the six and tells them
that whoever will defeat Bowser at the end will have the park named
after him. Or her, for Peach.
Bowser
has extended his influence on all six regions of the park, all of
which are themed. There's Pirate Land, Western Land, Space Land,
Mystery Land, Horror Land and Bowser Land. I suspect that last one
wasn't part of the original park and was built by Bowser's forces to
stroke the turtle-dragon's massive ego.
Therefore,
the game is on, as the six main characters are now battling on game
boards to see who can kick Bowser – and his five aliases – out of
each park, become the Superstar, and save the worl- er, I mean, save
????? Land!
 |
| A mini-game at the end of every turn. |
To
all of you who haven't played any Mario Party game: There's always
four players battling on a board. At the start, they all get 10
coins. Each player rolls the die and moves that number of spaces.
When the character lands on a space, an effect is triggered: Blue
space, they win coins, red space, they lose coins, green space,
something else happens. There's other special spaces, like the Koopa Bank, the dreaded Bowser Space, the Item Space, the Battle Space... When any reaches a fork in the path, he or she can
select the path to follow. Some paths may be behind locked doors, however. Plus, there's a possibility to buy items in
shops. To win on a board, you have to be the player who collects the
most Stars; at the beginning, a Star is placed randomly on the field.
Each Star costs 20 Coins, and whenever one is bought, the next one appears on another spot on the map. At the end of every turn, players all participate
in a mini-game. The selection of mini-games is varied; in fact, if it
weren't for those boards, the games would only contain mini-games and
it would already be pretty fun that way (It worked fine for the
Rabbids, as far as I know!).The mini-games are separated in how
they're played (4-way Battle Royale, 2-VS-2, 1-VS-3, and so on), and
during board play, the mini-game's winner(s) would get 10 coins. At the end of
the match, bonus Stars will be given out (if you've chosen so), and
then the victor is revealed: It's the one with the most stars and, in
case of a tie there, it's the one with the most Stars and the most coins.
 |
| If you've ever played a Mario Party game, this is one of your phobias. |
In
Mario Party 2, before playing on any board, you first pick your
character, then the computer characters (three to zero depending on
how many human players there are), then the difficulty setting for
each computer character, the number of turns and finally the option
to get bonus Stars at the end. For the number of turns, you choose
between 20, 35 and 50. Keep in mind that the average length of each
turn is of about 3 minutes, so be ready to play around 60, 105 or 150
minutes on the board you've picked. And that's if you're not also
practicing every mini-game with your friends because they're new to
the game. In later games, the minimum of turns is actually 10, which
makes for half-hour long games, a much more reasonable time. Like all
games in the series, it's possible in Mario Party 2 to access a
separate mode in which you can replay, at will, the many mini-games
available in it.
Just
so you know, this Mario Party game has exactly 65 mini-games. Here's
the catch, however: To unlock a mini-game in free play, you must buy
it. And to buy it, you need, well, coins. But how do you get coins?
Well, at the end of every game played on a board, you keep the amount
of coins you had; also, every Star you owned is traded for 50 coins.
Oh, but that's not all. The same happens to the opponents' coins and
Stars, so in a way, even your opponents help you in buying all the
mini-games.
All
these mini-games can be accessed in Mini-Game Land, a place where you
can play them as much as you want. In Mini-Game Park, you can select
mini-games and play them at your leisure. The other modes include the
Stadium, which plays like a board game without the Stars, only the
coins; the Trial, with very few mini-games and a simplified board;
the Duel mode, in which players play mini-games until one has reached
a number of wins; and finally, the Coaster, in which you have to play
every single mini-game and beat them, like a Story Mode of sorts.
These modes are all sort of bland, but at the same time there isn't
really anything else you can do. The Coaster mode is fun, but you have an amount of lives, so be careful not to lose too often.
 |
| If only we could actually customize the characters... How awesome would that be? |
Now
that I've covered the technical aspects, let's get into the meat: The
plot! Or rather, the plot after the intro. Whenever you pick one of
the five main boards, you are treated to... the sight of the main
characters dressed in costumes fitting the board's theme. This is the
only Mario Party game in which this happens, and it does look nice to
see Mario & Co. dressed as pirates, astronauts, cowboys... The
only board for which it doesn't happen is the last one. Also, Bowser
shows all two dimensions of his character... by appearing on every
board to cause mischief and trouble, always under a different alias,
each one as ridiculous as the preceding one. Don't get me started on how
much it seems to be based on a trend from the TV show. Cap'n Bowser,
REALLY? I mean, this show was bad enough, I don't think it deserves
to be referenced in a game! On every board, the players are battling
to know who will get the chance to fight Bowser and kick him out of
that part of ????? Land.
 |
| As an example, this is Western Land. It even got a milk bar! |
At
the end of a game, after the bonus stars have been awarded, the
winner is about to be known... when the ceremony is interrupted by a
Koopa. Hey, I've been playing this damn thing for one hour! Piss off,
I want to know if I won! But the Koopa says that Bowser is near! So
the four characters who played on the board head to where Bowser
is... and ultimately, the board's winner is revealed as the one
facing Bowser and beating him. In a way, it makes your victories even
better. Your character beats Bowser! Yes, even if it's Luigi! Or
Wario! Or Yoshi! Or Donkey Kong! ...Or even Peach! Princess friggin'
Peach can BEAT BOWSER! Thanks to the power of the Stars! Now that's
freaking awesome.
Once
the five boards have been played once, Bowser's troops literally
invade the game's hub world and a new board is made available: Bowser
Land. This is a Hellish board in every meaning of the term, with
features that make one cringe and impossible Star placements that
worsen the gaming experience. When this hour-long torture is finally
over, the Bonus Stars are awarded. As the winner is revealed, a
Koopa comes by - AGAIN! - and tells the cast that Bowser is up to
mischief again! The Superstar has to stop him, fast!
Before
I cover the ending, I must add this: I was playing with Princess
Peach for this one, because dammit, if there's one Mario character
who needs more awesome moments, it's her. So I played through the
board and had an excruciatingly hard time beating the other
characters, all CPUs, on the board. In the minigames, I was alright.
But the board was really Hell. Looked like Hell, felt like Hell,
annoying as Hell.
 |
| If you listen to that board's tune in slow-mo and turn the volume to the maximum, you can hear the tortured screams of a gamer captured by Bowser. It's muffled because it comes from the blimp. |
So,
at the end, even with the Bonus Stars being awarded, I ended up in...
fourth position. I was angry, of course. Then the Koopa came around,
said that Bowser was up to no good, and the board's winner went to
battle him. It was revealed to be Luigi! The green bro, using the
power of the Stars, defeats a Metal-powered Bowser and literally
knocks him all around the world, defeating him.
After
which Mario and the rest of the crew climb over Bowser to prove their
victory over evil. Now that Luigi has defeated Bowser and saved the
park, does that mean it will be called Luigi Land?
 |
| Sadly... |
No.
They
call it Mario Land.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUG
HHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR
RRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCKKKK!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAARGH!
FUCK
THIS GAME FUCK THIS GAME FUCK THIS GAME FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING GAME!
IT SUCKS IT SUCKS IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT IT'S A HORRIBLE PIECE OF
ABSOLUTE CRAP THIS ENDING MAKES NO SENSE AND IT TOTALLY DISRESPECTS THE
PLAYER'S EFFORTS! FUCK THIS FUCKING GAME!
Ahem.
… ...
GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Phew.
...
RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
...calm
down, calm down...
AAA-OK,
why is this wrong? Why is calling the park Mario Land such a wrong
thing that I basically went out of character, into Angry Video Game
Nerd Mode for a moment? Well, for starters, whichever character you
picked, the ending will STILL say that the park got called Mario
Land. Even if you don't win, if another character wins on the final
board, one that is NOT Mario, even if Mario was NOT on the final
board, the park is still called Mario Land at the end. You see the
problem? This is the most obvious, the most painful, the most
insulting example of Mariocentrism in the entire series. Yes,
Mariocentrism. Literally, showing that the series revolves around
Mario and all the others seem are too minor of characters to be
actually important. It's not THAT common of an occurrence, as the
series had given the spotlight to many other characters over time...
But this is just an insult to the player, an insult to the minimum of
six hours spent playing Mario Party 2, an insult to whoever could
possibly have hoped for his character getting the incredible reward
of having the park named after him or her.
It
spits in the player's face, saying “Unless you picked Mario, you
won't get the reward of having the park bear your character's name”.
Which means five times out of six.
It goes beyond that. Most Mario games feature, well, Mario as the hero who kicks Bowser's ass and saves everyone. But in the Mario Party games, it's different. Each game has a plot, and by the end the winner on a board is pretty much the hero on that board. The plot is resolved by playing on the boards, after selecting the player character and the computer characters. And when the plot resolves, it's hopefully thanks to the player winning on the boards, or even with any of the computer characters. ...To put it simply, ANYONE among the playable characters has a chance to be the hero in that Mario Party game. Not just Mario, not just Luigi, Yoshi or Peach, but everyone. Even Wario, Daisy, Donkey Kong, Waluigi, Toad, anybody playable! Hell, when I play Mario Party DS, I prefer to use characters like Daisy, Waluigi or Toad because I want to see them as the heroes for a change!
It is enraging when the ending forgets the true victor and instead ends with one character (obviously, the already privileged Mario) still being the hero, because screw you, he's the main character of the entire franchise, we don't care what you think. In a game where all six playable characters are supposed to have equal chances of getting the game's final reward... which is completely disregarded here.
Fuck this motherfucking ending.
It goes beyond that. Most Mario games feature, well, Mario as the hero who kicks Bowser's ass and saves everyone. But in the Mario Party games, it's different. Each game has a plot, and by the end the winner on a board is pretty much the hero on that board. The plot is resolved by playing on the boards, after selecting the player character and the computer characters. And when the plot resolves, it's hopefully thanks to the player winning on the boards, or even with any of the computer characters. ...To put it simply, ANYONE among the playable characters has a chance to be the hero in that Mario Party game. Not just Mario, not just Luigi, Yoshi or Peach, but everyone. Even Wario, Daisy, Donkey Kong, Waluigi, Toad, anybody playable! Hell, when I play Mario Party DS, I prefer to use characters like Daisy, Waluigi or Toad because I want to see them as the heroes for a change!
It is enraging when the ending forgets the true victor and instead ends with one character (obviously, the already privileged Mario) still being the hero, because screw you, he's the main character of the entire franchise, we don't care what you think. In a game where all six playable characters are supposed to have equal chances of getting the game's final reward... which is completely disregarded here.
Fuck this motherfucking ending.
It's
really hard to judge this game faithfully now that I've revealed the
ending. I'm so angry that I punched a wall. I've hurt my knuckles
because of this stupid game! ...Okay, be faithful Nicolas, be
faithful. What's good about this game? Well, the graphics are just
all right, I guess, for the N64 era. Nothing really special. The music is fine too, nothing amazing, just...
okay I guess. The boards are creative too, I suppose. I mean, the
designers had to keep true to a theme for every board, build the
board's layout according to this theme. They had to make sure each
board was challenging but possible to beat nonetheless. With strategy
and some luck, obviously. So I applaud the effort, but then again...
 |
| Pictured here: A luck mini-game. Not pictured: My frustration. |
I
would be perfectly satisfied just playing the mini-games and leaving
the boards aside.
My
biggest beef with this game is still the plot. How can you not hate
it? It's like someone sending you on a quest only to reveal, once
you've come back with the requested item, that he already had the exact same item, in enough copies for your entire family. It's a stupid plot, especially by Mario Party standards (which
are already damn low, I gotta give that). Some later games in the
franchise have better stories, let's just think of Mario Party 6 with
its dueling icons of day and night... or the actual plot of Mario
Party DS, in which Bowser shrinks all eight characters and they have
to make their way to Bowser's Castle to retrieve their normal size!
While playing on boards at the same time, but... it's still more
freaking creative than for this one! Here, all that happens is that
the characters argue on what the park's name should be, but Bowser
takes it over before they can find a name. You spend the game playing
characters who want to have the park named after them... and by the
end, all those efforts are for naught because the story ends with the
park being named MARIO LAND. Even if Mario had no part in the fucking
climax! RAAAAAAUGH!
Calm
down, Nicolas. You've made your points, now tell your final words.
That will calm you down. So... *deep breaths* Did I like this game?
Only the mini-game aspect, because the plot is a giant steaming pile of crap, the boards are
not fun and the only thing that gives me any enjoyment is the
mini-game mode, which lets you play through the many mini-games and
even gives you the option to play in little competitions based around
them. Do I recommend this game? Absolutely not, unless you're a huge
Mario Party fan and you don't mind the absolute annoyance that will
be felt after playing this game for too long. It's available for
1,000 Points (10 bucks) on the Wii Shop Channel, which was not closed
along with the Wi-Fi on the Wii. But keep in mind that you'll have to
play alone unless you buy more than one Classic Controller, and also
if you have more than one Wiimote, of course.
I
don't believe it's worth paying so much for one of the lesser games
in a series that is already infamous for breaking friendships. I do
believe the series has had better games, but this one definitely
doesn't count.
I
plan on reviewing Mario Party DS at some point. Expect that review to
be much happier. And sorry for the burst of cursing earlier. It's not
gonna happen again. ...Frequently. We never know when's the next time
I see a game's plot that angers me to unimaginable levels...
Still,
stay tuned next week for a new Top 12: The best one-time Nintendo
final bosses. That one should be fun.
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